I look through magazines like Architectural Digest and Better Homes and Gardens and I see the clever patio arrangements: the pathways in different hues of gravel, the basalt spires with cascades of water, the hidden stone statues; the red velvet chairs, the tables with white linens, the chandeliers, the little candles and elegant flower arrangements; the tea and scones presented on a white service, and the hidden outdoor speakers playing Edith Piaf.

But not in my back yard.